Sunday, January 11, 2009
15 Signs that your spouse is trying to kill you.
How do you know that you’re spouse isn’t trying to kill you? This is serious, damn it. Over 10,000,000,000 people are killed by their spouses every day! But don’t worry. We’ll help you look for the signs
Saturday, January 10, 2009
100 Ways to Say I Love You
Whether you’ve decided its finally time to say I love you, or you’ve been together for awhile now and looking for ways to keep the romance fresh and exciting, we’ve put together 100 Ways to Say I Love You that you’ll be sure to enjoy.
1. With Kisses: Nothing says I love you like a kiss! Kiss them when you say hello, when you say goodbye, in the middle of the day for no reason at all. You can kiss them on the lips, on the cheek, on the forehead…it’s up to you where!
2. With Hugs: It’s true, most partners do not give each other enough hugs. So the next time you feel like telling your partner you love them, give them a giant bear hug.
3. With a Back rub: I’ve never met anyone who would refuse a backrub - another great way to say I love you without words!
4. In a Poem: Whether you decide to write a haiku (see these haiku examples from one of my favorite haiku writers) or write another style on your own, a poem is a great way to express how you feel about someone.
5. In a Journal: Keeping a journal is easy. All you need is a notebook and a pen and write your feelings about the person. Unlike most journals though, this is one to share with your partner!
6. On a T-shirt: You can make your own t-shirt using t-shirt iron on transfer paper or head over to a site like Spreadshirt.com and design your own Custom T-Shirts.
7. With Love Notes: Love notes are an easy simple way to say i love you to someone. Check out our post 55 Unique Places to Leave Love Notes for more inspiration.
8. With Cheerios: If you have Cheerios or some other type of small food that would work also, why not write the words “i love you” with them on a table or in one of their favorite dishes?
9. By sharing the chores: This is my favorite way to say i love you - help your partner with the chores around the house, from washing dishes to vacuuming to doing the laundry, your partner will be sure to appreciate it!
10. In a Picture: A picture is worth a thousand words, or so they say at least. Find a picture that shows how much you love them and share it with them.
11. In a collage: Collages are great ways to express yourself, so why not say I love you in a collage? All you will need is one piece of paper and magazine cut outs of anything related to your partner and relationship. Glue them all together onto the sheet of paper and you’ll have a great collage to show how much you love him or her!
12. With Flowers: There’s never a bad time to share flowers! They are always a nice welcome surprise. If you really want to make a statement, give him or her something unique and original instead of the usual roses.
13. With Something Sweet: If your partner likes sweets or cookies, surprising them with something is always a guaranteed way to say that you love them. You could get personalized candy, bake cupcakes, or whatever it is you think they’ll like.
14. Watch the kids for them: If you are married and have kids, there’s nothing better than telling your partner you’ll watch the kids for the next hour, why don’t they go relax?
15. By Cooking Dinner: Making a nice dinner for them is another way to show you care and are thinking about them, especially if they are too tired to cook or it is one of their favorite dishes. Can’t cook? You can always order take-out!
16. Etched in Glass: It’s not hard to etch something in glass with a stencil and glass etching cream
17. With a Special Song Mix: Burn a few of your favorite love songs or songs to a CD that have a special meaning to you and your partner. Need ideas on how to label a CD? You can write on it with marker, or print a special label out of your computer. You can even give it a special cover too!
18. Have Someone Else Tell Them: Could you imagine the look on your partner’s face if your best friend or mother sat down and told them how much you love them? It’d definitely be a surprise and hopefully they’ll be glad to hear that you’ve told someone else how much you love them too!
19. Say it in Another Language: Why not try telling him or her you love them in another language? There are many online translators available to help you convert anything into a different language. Te amo for example means I love you in Spanish.
20. Say Thanks: Showing your appreciation to your partner for all that they do is a great way to show your care.
21. From the Top of a Mountain: Go the highest point you can find around your house and scream from the top of your lungs “I love this girl!” (or guy!)
22. With the Lawn Mower: You can write the words I love you with your lawn mowers in your yard if you let the grass grow high enough for a few weeks.
23. In a Bottle: Write Your Partner a message in a bottle for them to find and open.
24. With Your Pets: Have a dog or cat? You can attach a message around their collar for your partner to find.
25. With a Text Message: Text messages only take a few minutes to send, so if you don’t text your partner often, why not send them a text message?
26. In a crowd: If you’re in a busy park or street in the city, there’s no shame in proclaiming your love to your partner in front of others.
27. Say it on a Screensaver: Assuming your partner won’t mind, you can change their computer desktop background or put a special screen saver on his or her computer to say i love you for you.
28. Kidnap Them: If you know your partner has nothing to do on a certain day, why not kidnap them and surprise them with a special getaway? You can go on a romantic picnic or escape to a nearby park or other local attraction.
29. Warm their car up for them: If chilly weather makes your car parked outside too cold, you could go out there and brave the cold to start the car for them (and if it snowed, even clear it off for them!) Don’t like braving the cold? Maybe a remote starter kit
30. While you’re watching a Movie Together: Next time you’re snuggling up to a romantic movie you can whisper it in their ear halfway through or during a romantic scene.
31. Bring Them Coffee: Anytime you bring your partner one of their favorite drinks it reminds them how much you care.
32. By Listening to Them: Listening to your partner without interrupting, getting distracted, or critcizing them is a great way to say i love you to someone.
33. With a Secret Phrase: The duck quacks at midnight…Creating a secret way to tell your partner you love them can be fun, especially since no one else will know what you’re talking about but each other. Be creative!
34. In a cake: Think of those old prison movies when they would bake a cake with something in it…you could do this or write a special message in icing on the top.
35. With an Interpretive Dance: Okay, so maybe interpretive dancing isn’t for you…but you could ask them to dance with you, even if there is no music playing or if you are standing in the living room.
36. With Tools: Did you notice your honey lost or broke his diamond drill bit? Maybe they just need a tool they don’t have. Why not get them a new one next time you are out at the store?
37. In flames: I don’t really know how to do this safely, but if you can figure it out, why not write them a message in flames? (I hold no responsibility if you attempt this. Please check with your fire department before proceeding!)
38. On a Tattoo: Just remember: Tattoos are forever. You could also make your own temporary tattoo. Sharpie markers, body paints, and pens work well for writing on your skin too. (Just make sure they’re non-toxic and you’re not allergic to it!)
39. Say it in Sand: There’s nothing more romantic at the beach than to write your names in hearts in the sand or the words I love you. No beach nearby? You could always fill up a kiddie pool with sand and do the same.
40. On a puzzle: Have a puzzle loving partner? Write a special message on the back of a puzzle or mail them one piece of a puzzle at a time.
41. On a Balloon: You can either choose to blow up a balloon and write a message for them to discover when they blow it up or hand them one where you’ve stuffed a special message inside it.
42. In a Song: You don’t need to learn guitar to write and sing a song (though it could help!) It’s the thought that counts, so don’t worry about what your song sounds like. There’s plenty of bad music in myspace and youtube (myself included actually) - so there’s no need to be self conscious!
43. In a video: Who doesn’t love videos? You can use your web cam or get a video camera to make a video pledging your love for him or her. No video camera? You could always prepare a slide show of pictures set to some of your favorite music.
44. Say I love you with a quote: Lost for words? Let somebody else say it better! Check out our Romantic Movie Quotes and Quotes on Kissing for some inspiration.
45. Make a Hanging Mobile: You can hang your love for someone with a romantic hanging mobile! Get Directions and a Free Printout Here
46. Mark Your Love on a Calendar: Does your partner rely on a calendar? Write in “I love you day” on a few of the days to make them extra special.
47. Make a List: Chances are you have more than one reason to say I love you, so why not make a list of ways you love the person and give it to him or her?
48. Give Them a Tree of Love: You can get artificial miniature trees and attach small gifts or reasons you love the person or anything else romantic you want to. I once was given a white Christmas tree as a present with money attached to it - one of the best presents ever!
49. Throw a Party: You can hold a special party for your love to celebrate how much you love them. Invite friends and family, or you can have a romantic party just the two of you. Don’t forget the streamers and maybe a giant “I Love You” banner.
50. Write Your Love Story: A love story can be as simple or as complex as you want it to be. Our post on Writing Your Love Story is full of ideas.
51. Show Interest in Their Hobbies: Maybe they like something that bores you. But showing a genuine interest in their hobbies or activities is a great way for you to connect more and show that you love them.
52. Give Them a Compliment: Telling your partner he or she looks beautiful or cute (or whatever terms that are appropriate for your relationship) is an easy additional way to say I love you. You could also compliment them on something like “Honey, you did a great job on dinner tonight” or “Wow! That bathroom you painted looks awesome!”
53. Make a Sign: You can wear it sandwich board style or hang a banner across the door to greet them when they get home. Maybe a sign on their car or bedroom door. Wherever you put the sign doesn’t matter - what matters is that it shows your partner you were thinking of them!
54. Send Them Snail Mail: Most people when they open their mailbox are bombarded by bills and junk mail. Wouldn’t it be nice to get a romantic letter instead?
55. Send an E-Card: If snail mail is too slow for you, you can send romantic e-cards instantly. With hundreds of romantic ecards out there, you’re sure to find one that’s just the right way to say I love you.
56. Say it Upside Down: If you’re athletically inclined, take your partner to a park and hang upside down from the monkey bars and say “Hey! I love you even when I’m upside down!”
57. Say it The Cheesiest Way You Know: Take 1 block of cheese (can be their favorite kind or whatever you’ve got - all that matters is that it is cheese) and then attach a note which says “This is the cheesiest way I can think of to say I love you!”
58. Just Saying Hi: A quick phone call to your partner when you are away is a great way to just say hi and ask them how their day is going.
59. Publicly Humiliation: Nothing says I love you like some good old fashioned public humiliation. Have someone announce it over a loud speaker at an office or store, serenade them while you eat dinner at a restaurant (even if it is McDonald’s), put it on a billboard, air a tv commercial. (okay, so maybe we’re getting a little overboard here) - but you get the point.
60. Hide it in a Book: Find a book or magazine you know your partner will read and write or tape a note that tells them you’re thinking of them. Alternatively you could underline a section and say something romantic based on what the book is about, depending on the book of course. If it’s intro to accounting for example, you could write “all the math i need to know is me + u = love”.
61. Let Them Teach You Something: It’s always a huge ego boost when you ask your partner to teach you how to do something. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as its something you can show genuine interest in learning.
62. Give Them a Lucky Charm: Give your partner something lucky to carry with them and remind them of you. It could be something to put in their wallet or something to put on their keychain.
63. Give Them Undivided Attention: Tell your partner they will get your undivided attention for 1 hour. They can talk to you about anything or do anything they want with you.
64. Tuck Them In at Night: It’s always comforting when somebody pulls the blankets up over you and kisses you good night.
65. Trust Your Partner and Be Trustworthy: Being able to trust your partner is very important. Give your partner trust, and they will likely return that trust to you. Once their trust is earned, don’t ever screw it up.
66. Remember the Good Times: Make a list of your favorite memories with your partner and share them with him or her.
67. Hold Hands: Hand holding is one of the most intimate ways to connect with one another. Take any chance you have to hold his or her hand!
68. Have a Hooky Day: Playing hooky means all your responsibilities for the day get tossed out the window. You can call/request off work or skip whatever you usually do on most days. Instead do something fun together, even if it just means laying in bed together all day.
69. Take a Romantic Bubble Bath: What could be better than you and your partner in a hot tub surrounded with bubbles?
70. Take Photos of Each Other: You can make this sexy or silly - but taking pictures of each other is a great way to spend time having fun together and telling each other that you love each other.
71. Share Ice Cream Out of One Bowl: Sharing ice cream is a lost art that many people have never discovered. Get a bowl or a pint of your favorite kind and dig in with two spoons.
72. Make an “About Me” Report: Many times we feel like our partners don’t really know us. You can impress your partner if you can answer things like their favorite colors, foods, happiest memories, biggest accomplishments, recent news, etc. etc.
73. Anticipate Their Moves: When you are with someone for a long time, you know what they will want or need without them even asking. Maybe its as simple as passing them the pepper when they’re eating Mac & Cheese or turning on their favorite TV show without them asking it.
74. Get Healthy: The healthier you are, the longer you will be around to love someone! You can lose weight for free, stop a bad habit such as quit drinking, or practice safety habits. Encourage your partner to do the same. (Just don’t tell him or her that he or she is fat! That won’t go over too well!)
75. Love Their Family: In-Laws are notoriously difficult to get along with. But if you show respect to their family and traditions, it can say a lot about how much you love a person!
76. Make Breakfast or Go on a Breakfast Date: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day - and its also the most likely to be skipped or rushed! Making breakfast or going out for a cup of coffee and a muffin can be a special way to show someone you want to take out time in your busy day to be with them.
77. Draw a Picture: It doesn’t matter how artistic you are, anyone can draw a simple picture to say how much you love someone - even if it is just with stick figures and hearts and stars!
78. Flirt Vivaciously: Flirting doesn’t have to be reserved for just when you first meet. Go ahead and act like he or she doesn’t know you like him or her yet.
79. Define what love means to you: Sometimes the word love is used so loosely it loses its meaning. Explain what love means to you to your partner - and why you’re so glad you’ve found it with them.
80. Write it in a Cryptic Message: Write a message of love using a secret code. Give them the key and let them decipher the message. (You could also write is backwards and tell them to hold it up in front of a mirror)
81. Practice Random Acts of Kindness: Showing you love someone is more important than saying I love you, which is why practicing random acts of kindness is important. Hold doors, pull out chairs, offer an umbrella when its raining, etc.
82. Show Your Vulnerable Side: Showing your vulnerable side to your partner means that you completely trust them and are comfortable with them. So go ahead and tell them a secret, your deepest feelings, or anything they can use against you as blackmail.
83. Love Their Faults: Nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistakes. If you can make light of their short comings and show you love them even if they can’t spell or be on time or whatever else it is that they’re really bad at, it means you love them for all of them - not just the good stuff.
84. Tell Them How Happy You Are: Telling your partner how happy you are will make them feel like they are partly responsible for that, even though we all know happiness shouldn’t be dependent on someone else.
85. Clean Up After Yourself: Nobody likes the role of the “maid” - if you spill something on the floor, clean it up! Put your towels away, the dishes away, etc. etc. If you don’t act like a slob, your partner will never resent you.
86. Give Them the Last One: If you and your partner both enjoy something and there’s only one left, let them have it. There’s a good chance they’ll share it with you anyway, but even if they don’t they’ll appreciate your selflessness.
87. Put Their Needs Ahead of Your Own: When you put your partner’s needs ahead of your own (and they do the same) you both selflessly say to one another that you love each other and look out for one another.
88. Know When to Apologize: Saying you’re sorry can go a long way, even if you don’t necessarily think you did anything wrong or agree. Sometimes just saying you’re sorry is enough to make any problems blow over.
89. Be Totally Goofy Together: Let your inner kid out and do something goofy. Have a pillow fight, jump on the bed, go sled riding. Whatever it is, it’ll be fun and show your partner that you love them enough to be completely goofy with them.
90. Show Up for a Surprise Visit: It always made my day anytime my now husband would show up unexpectedly at my apartment or at work. Make sure its okay if its a work visit (you don’t want them getting in trouble with the boss!) or not at a time when they’d be incredibly busy. (If he worked in a restaurant for example, you would not want to show up at dinner rush!)
91. Make a Scrapbook: Scrapbooks can be a fun way to remember good times or show how much you love somebody.
92. Sing the ABC’s - Can you think of a reason you love your partner for every letter of the alphabet? A you’re adorable…B oh so Beautiful…You get the idea…
93. As Soon as You Wake Up: Waking up to someone saying “I Love You” is a lot better than “Hey! Get your butt out of bed the kids are late for school, I’m late for work, honey the toaster is on fire, etc. etc…”
94. Ask How You Can Help: Sometimes our partners don’t want to ask for help but would gladly accept it if offered. A simple “is there anything you need?” can be an enormous way to say I love you.
95. Put on a Puppet Show: If you’ve got stuffed animals laying around, pick them up and have them re-enact your love for one another.
96. Cuddle: There is no such thing as too much cuddling. Snuggle in bed before saying goodnight, while you watch football on TV, or just on a lazy afternoon.
97. Ask Their Advice: It’s a huge compliment and ego booster to your partner if you ask for their opinion or advice on something. Don’t make it too tricky (Does this outfit make me look fat?) - but something like “do you think I should get a blue rug or a green rug?” makes them feel involved and as if their opinion matters.
98. Give Some TLC: Everybody has bad days from time to time or will get sick at some point or another. Give them some extra TLC on those days - some chicken soup, a cup of tea or hot chocolate, whatever it is that they need to cheer up or feel better.
99. Ask How They Are: It’s easy for partners to forget to ask each other how they are, even though they might ask complete strangers the same question out of habit. So before you start complaining or going into great detail about you, ask them “how was your day” or “how’s it going?” when you first see them.
100. Give it Unconditionally: Unconditional love is probably the best thing in the whole world when it comes to love. It means no one expects anything in return and you will continue to love somebody even if it’s not all wine and roses all the time.
Phew! What a list! Now that you have heard my 100 ways to say I love you, why not share your ideas in the comments below?
Real Letter From CEO To His Employees
This is a legitimate letter -- the company actually exists.
1-7-9- To All My Valued Employees,
- There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job.
- What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country. Of course, as your employer, I am forbidden to tell you whom to vote for -- it is against the law to discriminate based on political affiliation, Race, creed, religion, etc.
- Please vote who you think will serve your Interests the best. However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interest. First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story.
- This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You've seen my big home at last years Christmas party. I'm sure all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life. However, what you don't see is the back story.
- I started this company 12 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living space was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.
- My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn't have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.
- Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting the Nordstrom's for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the Goodwill store extracting any clothing item that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's.
- My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.
- So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don't. There is no "off" button For me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, ****, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to me like a 1 day old baby.
- You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden -- the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations... You never realize the back story and the sacrifices I've made. Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn't.
- The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for. Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I've paid is steep and not without wounds. Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:
- I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.
- The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check?
- Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country. The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? That's nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy. Here is what many of you don't understand; to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.
- When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the mud of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine.
- Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep. So where am I going with all this? It's quite simple. If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child's future. Frankly, it isn't my problem any more. Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire.
- You see, I'm done. I'm done with a country that penalizes the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.
- While tax cuts to 95% of America sounds great on paper, don't forget the backstory: If there is no job, there is no income to tax. A tax cut on zero dollars is zero. So, when you make decision to vote, ask yourself, who understands the economics of business ownership and who doesn't? Whose policies will endanger your job? Answer those questions and you should know who might be the one capable of saving your job. While the media wants to tell you "It's the economy Stupid" I'm telling you it isn't.
- If you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this country, steamrolled the Constitution, and will have changed its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me in South Caribbean sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about.
- Signed, Your boss,
- Michael A. Crowley,
- PE Crowley, Crisp & Associates, Inc.
- Professional Engineers 1
- 906 South Main Street, Suite 122
- Wake Forest, NC 27587
- 919.562.8860 x22
- 919.562.8872 Fax
Disclaimer
5 Drinking Myths That Can Kill You
Like everything else in life, getting drunk is something worth learning how to do right. Unfortunately, a lot of what we know about drinking and drunkenness we learned from our friends, while everyone involved was, you guessed it, drunk.
So let's take a moment to debunk some of these rumors while we're all sober (most of us anyway).
#5.
"Let Him Sleep it Off"
This myth probably stems from most people's desire to do as little work as possible while getting shit faced. Basically, the theory is that if someone drinks to the point of passing out, the best option is to toss them in bed and, like magic, they'll be fine after a little sleep.
Finishing said friend's lukewarm forty of Colt .45 after returning to the party is strictly optional.
Especially on high school chicks!
The Truth:
Tossing a friend in bed after they've passed out drunk is a fantastic idea, provided you're hoping your friend drowns in their own vomit. Passing out and falling asleep aren't the same thing.
Someone who has passed out as a result of alcohol intoxication is unlikely to be awakened by the need to hurl. If they happen to be lying on their back when the spewing starts, the chunks have nowhere to go except into the lungs. Tell Hendrix we say hi!
What You Should Do Instead:
Lay them on their side and, between shots of tequila, try to check and make sure they haven't stopped breathing at some point. If their breathing becomes irregular or they start vomiting without waking up, they have alcohol poisoning. Call for help.
In the morning, they'll thank you for being responsible and taking care of them in their time of need. At least until they see the collage of swastikas and penises you drew on their face and arms.
Bitch.
#4.
Drinking Keeps You Warm
Alcohol makes you think that you sound smart while actually making you objectively dumber. Anyone who's been sober at a bar is familiar with this paradox. But you may not know that it has the same effect on your ability to not freeze to death. Yeah, alcohol's a dick like that.
The benevolent St. Bernard coming to the aid of a snowbound mountain climber with a warming shot of brandy ... it happened in too many 1950s era cartoons for us to count.
And you know what? Go take a shot of booze if you have some around (we assume most of our readers do). You feel warmer, right? But just like how that chick you brought home wasn't nearly as hot as she was the previous night, the same goes for your core body temperature.
L - R: Scarlett Johansson, Angelina Jolie
The Truth:
Alcohol makes you feel warm and turn beet red because it causes your blood vessels to dilate. This brings the blood closer to the surface of your skin, which makes you feel warmer.
Unfortunately, with the warmth now oozing off the surface of your skin instead of trapped in the core of your body, you're losing precious body heat. The Mythbusters took this on recently and said the same thing (in case you don't want to take our word for it).
So while sitting in your unheated apartment in the dead of winter pounding vodka might seem like a decent idea, your skin and Russian history are leading you astray.
What You Should Do Instead:
If you find yourself stranded at the top of a mountain with a few buddies and a crate of schnapps, you're probably better off ignoring the booze and using each other's body heat for warmth. It's only gay if someone sees you.
If a St. Bernard does show up with a shot of brandy, feed it the shot and then drape its passed out body over your icy torso.
#3.
Taking Aspirin Prior to Drinking Will Prevent Hangovers
Drinking to the point that you have a hangover the next day is kind of like taking a peaceful drive through a majestic countryside only to arrive at your destination and find your wife nailing your best friend. It's a great trip, but the ending fucking sucks.
Naturally, throughout the ages people have come up with all kinds of harebrained schemes to avoid that dreaded hangover. One of the more timeless techniques is popping an aspirin or two prior to drinking. Sort of makes sense, in theory.
The Truth:
First of all, what kind of magical fucking aspirin are you taking that has the tenacity to still be fighting a headache well into the morning? It's not methamphetamine. Even if popping an aspirin before drinking did do anything to fight a hangover, its powers would have run their course well before you needed help.
But wait, it gets worse. A study by the American Medical Association found that ingesting aspirin actually slows the rate at which your body metabolizes alcohol. Not only does that increase blood alcohol levels, but it makes the effects of the alcohol last longer. So if you feel better than usual when you wake up in the morning, it probably means you're still drunk.
And while that may sound like a pretty awesome solution, especially if it gets you to work in time, you'll think differently when the delayed hangover hits you like a truck a few hours later. Or alternately, when you literally drive head on into a truck on the way to work because you're both drunk and hungover.
What You Should Do Instead:
When it comes to a hangover, dehydration is the real enemy. Try drinking eight ounces of water between drinks. It won't completely prevent a hangover, but it will make it a hell of a lot more manageable. Alternately, you could also just do what some do and drink indefinitely.
#2.
Drinking Coffee Will Make You Sober
When it comes to drinking myths, this one is a stone classic. How many movies have you seen where someone summons a cup of coffee to quell their drunken shenanigans? Ten minutes later, the drinker in question has calmed right the fuck down and all is well. If only it was that easy.
The Truth:
Coffee is a stimulant. Alcohol is a depressant. The thinking here is that, in the war for control over your bodily functions, stimulants kick all sorts of depressant ass. If this theory had any legs, mixing cocaine and heroin would result in full-on excitement instead of untimely death. Coffee won't make you less drunk, but it will certainly make you a tad more alert. This is the stuff that DUIs are made of.
What You Should Do Instead:
Pretend you've passed out. Since you're joking, the risk of drowning in your own vomit is negligible. But your fellow drunken revelers won't know that.
Sure, they'll write "i Like Cockz" on your forehead, but cleaning it off will be a lot cheaper than the court costs from that all but guaranteed DUI. Hey, speaking of that...
#1.
You Can Beat a Breathalyzer Test
Let's be honest here: Driving drunk is an art. And when it comes to art, some people paint masterpieces while some others wrap their Geo around innocent civilians.
But it's not always that cut and dry. You may feel fine, you may be driving like a champ, but there is no accounting for that broken taillight. No matter how adept your driving skills may be, if you get pulled over and blow above the legal limit, you're going to jail. And rightfully so. You're an adult, skip the risk and call a cab.
But some people choose to push the envelope based on the idea that they can outsmart a breathalyzer test if they're pulled over. The methods vary wildly, ranging everywhere from sucking on pennies that have been handled by God knows who (and may have been up someone's ass at some point), to eating your underwear (which definitely has).
18-years-old? In what? Dog years?
But which method really works?
The Truth:
Again, the heroes at Mythbusters recently tackled this subject. Guess what? Nothing fucking works. Eat all the mustard you want (it IS delicious!), hyperventilate up a storm, belch, do whatever you like. But the fact is, that machine that you're blowing is pretty much undefeatable.
We accept in advance that someone in the comments section totally knows a guy whose cousin escaped a DUI by eating a jar of Vaseline and cramming a roll of Mentos up their ass. But who are you going to trust, a random internet commenter or the advice of a team of internet comedy writers?
What You Should Do Instead:
Let's put it this way: It's almost a statistical certainly that by New Year's Eve of 2009, at least one of the people reading this will be dead due to a drunk driving accident. About 15,000 people die every year that way in the US alone. The rate doubles over the holidays, and skyrockets among the young, drunken males of the type who tend to read this site. So seriously, just don't get fucking hammered and drive. We mean it.
Stay safe and have a happy new year.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
24 Unforgettable Advertisements
Why should ads be boring? Check out this collection of unforgettable advertisements from around the world.
Nissan Cube Advertisement
Break Glass in Case of Adventure.
Nike Cars Advertisement
Cars decorated as Nike kicks in Mexico. The front car carrying the ball.
BMW Advertisement
“From up here, I can see BMW of Bridgeport”
Nescafe Advertisement
This picture of a Nescafe branded building is from Venezuela’s capital, Caracas, and must be among the largest inflatables in the world.
Nike Advertisement
Nestle Advertisement
Creative Nestle billboard advertisement.
Mini Advertisement
Hopi Hari Advertisement
Fitness Company Advertisement
Shopping bags given away to customers when purchasing fitness accessories or nutritional supplements at the Fitness Company fitness centers.
Skin Cancer Towel Advertisement
“Please take care this summer”
K-Swiss Advertisement
McDonald’s Bus Stop Advertisement
Just what you want while waiting for the bus: that mouth watering, tantalizing reminder of how much you’d love to stuff your face with a 1,000 calorie burger only to be reminded later by your stomach it wasn’t the best decision you could have made.
Woodland Shoes Advertisement
Powerful idea for a billboard.
Outdoor Stunt by Goodyear
Lovely concept, but I think there’s something lost in translation in this outdoor campaign for Goodyear. The sign says:
(front) “Your vehicle has been towed. Call 0800 081-8181.”
(back) “For sticking on the roads.”
FedEx Kinko’s Advertisement
When coming up with an ad campaign for FedEx Kinko’s, the innovative minds at advertising agency BBDO were inspired by the streets of New York. The agency installed oversized bottles of correction fluid, highlighters, and, in one case, an office lamp, on the city’s busy thoroughfares for a couple of days earlier this year.
Peta Advertisement
The action is named ‘None of us would like to end up like this.. neither would other-than-human animals’ and it was done with four big foam trays, each of them containing a naked activist inside, and covered with a see-through plastic with a ‘Human meat’ sticker on it. The idea was to imitate the ‘meat’ trays we can find at the supermarkets and to show that we are also animals, just as other-than-human animals, we neither would like to end up there.
Ravensburger Puzzles Advertisement
BIC Razor Advertisement
Bic developed this creative outdoor advertisement for their razors. The billboard is blank except for a small logo, but without it the advertisement might be missed and it acts as a good backdrop for the giant razor and cut grass. The only draw back is the constant trimming of the lawn.
Mercedes Advertisement
IKEA Advertisement
Ikea on Wheels advertisement.
Canon Advertisement
Creative Canon outdoor advertisement.
Kill Bill Advertisement
LEGO Advertisement
Lego’s ad agency in Santiago (Chile) used cranes to hang giant Lego blocks.
Discovery Channel Advertisement
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